I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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