Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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