If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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