What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
