I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
