I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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