I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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