I can tuck mytits in my pants
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
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I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
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Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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