The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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