Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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