The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
