I like to think it a success when the cops are called
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I did not marry a roomba.
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