grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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