Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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