woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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