I wish my penis had an off switch
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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