God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
