I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
