God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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