Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
