Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
