you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
