70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
