Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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