So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
