No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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