I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
