I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize