How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
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He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
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I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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