i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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