he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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