i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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