Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
