if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Still dying that you shit outside
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
