you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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