I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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