2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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