and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
