I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
