I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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