you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
