Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
