How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
