I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
