everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
