and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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