Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
