it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Life is so much better after having sex.
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I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
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Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
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