If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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