My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
