I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
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