his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
