I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
it glows. i had to have it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
