Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
