There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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