She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
