I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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