The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
