there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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